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Written by By A.D.M.   
Thursday, 31 July 2014 00:00

Confession of a suicide survivor
“The unlimited power of choice”.

My family members were not heartbroken but very disappointed of my actions. I’ve changed mentality toward those actions, but it is so hard to be open up to my loved ones about those actions tried by me. Then began the questions, “How could they know what I was going through? How Could I be open and what causes me to that action?” Nonetheless, through counseling, I’d come to terms with those decisions of trying to commit suicide twice and what caused me to those episodes.  If I can recall, these episodes which led me to try to commit suicide began when I was 21 years old, but the pressure came long before, about the time i was sixteen years of age; and it carried on up to high school and even up to the tertiary level. 

As always being a diligent, hardworking, and resilient young man, my community had never accepted me for who I am. I don’t know for a fact why my neighbors didn’t like me, but from my perspective the talk and gossip spoke louder than actions. I was being pressured by my peers within my neighborhood before my actions. I was pressured by my neighbors to hang out with them, to rebel against others (especially my parent for being overprotective), to dress and behave like them. Nevertheless, their peer pressure didn’t work because I did not associate with them. Still I showed them respect and a sense of care that they are due. Nonetheless, I was rejecting their influence which caused them to be aggressive against me. So, not associating with them made them pick on me a lot. When I passed their hang out spot; they’d verbally abuse me calling me names like “punk, bitch, wimp” or phrases like “schools are for fools, all your education wouldn’t get you nowhere.” They would even use psychological remarks to make them feel superior (“hustling makes you a better man and you’ll make more money than a person whose working at an office.”)

Nearly every day I was picked on when passing their houses or hang out spot which caused my self esteem, self-pride to drop and it affected my emotional state of being. It causes me to have nightmares, created imaginary friends (liked Tyrone, Blake and Slaygar) and had endless nights of keeping awake. These changes were hard to be seen and noticed because I always overshadowed those burdens with a perfect spectrum of happiness and joy. These faces were all created by me to hide the truth of being unhappy, which caused me to have psychological problems. Nonetheless, when these matters began cause a conflict with my well being, I thought to take it to another level. I told myself that I couldn’t take it anymore, so came into effect considerations of committing suicide.

Then it began to register in my head that the only way to resolve these issues was to commit suicide. My fist attempt was in January of 2013 just before my Birth Day; I said to myself that it was time to commit suicide because I wasn’t pleased with myself, I was being stereotyped by peers within my neighborhood. It all began from the Friday night, I began preparing in my head that the next day, when my family members aren’t home that I would take my life. In my room I took all my belts and tied them together and created a noose. When Saturday came and everyone went out, at about a quarter to ten in the morning I began my attempt. I put the belts across the beam in the middle of my room, I climbed upon the front of my bed, stretched out caught the rope and placed my head in the loop, then swing to the middle which cause the hanging to begin. At that moment I could feel I was fighting for air, feeling my lung closing and my neck began to hurt. While slowly passing out, I heard the door key turn, it was my sister and my niece who came. My niece had come into my room to call me but noticed that I was hanging from the beam and went to inform my sister. At that moment I had passed out I was partially dead, but thanks to a police officer and medical personnel from nearby, I regained consciousness.

After that attempt I went through guidance counseling from my school councilor, my mother and other family members. But these did not help because I still had the same urge in my mind to commit suicide. A month later, I relapsed to the problem again. This time I got a rope and constructed it better than the first lynching rope. After making this rope, on a Thursday evening, I’d planned to try again but wasn’t successful. On my second attempt however I didn’t construct the plan very well and I was saved by my older brother before doing the devious act. My older brother took the rope and tried to counsel me; which didn’t work.

Through the guidance of a Reverent, a Nun and two guidance councilors, I’ve regain my confidence in life. When going through these counseling sessions I’ve gained knowledge to know the reason of life and why it’s not to be wasted.

So, life is a precious thing to waste, it’s a sin to kills one’s self and I must learn to live with those realities because life is life and it is precious. It is always best to know people will love you for you and there are those who will always dislike you for being great at what you do. The main advice for any person who want to commit suicide is to take a look in the mirror and ask, is it worth it?